If you’re like much of the country, you may be stuck in a bad romance with your Internet Service Provider. In the spirit of the holiday, the writers at MuniNetworks.org reimagined three of the biggest providers as their sweeties and, you guessed it, things weren’t all wine and roses.
Comcast - “The Creep”
All across the U.S., Internet subscribers are settling for Comcast when there’s no one else to date. After the excitement of a new relationship in the form of low price introductory rates disappears, you are left with nothing more than slow, inconsistent speeds and jacked up service fees. What had been a steady relationship quickly hits rocks when Comcast becomes lazy, realizing that you will never break up with them because there’s no one else in town to date. When you finally can’t stand Comcast’s high costs, added fees, data caps, and inconsistent speeds, you decide to take a break but just like a bad date, Comcast refuses to take “no” for an answer. What can you do when your only other choice is DSL? You’re trapped by “The Creep.”
AT&T - “Darth Vader”
AT&T is the empire of telecom. The empire will control everything and everyone through the power of the Death Star or, in AT&T’s case, through lobbyists and high prices. AT&T’s willing to put in a minimal level of support in rural areas: just like the empire maintains a small outpost on Tatooine but doesn’t care that the rural planet is full of smugglers and run by a mob of Hutts. Personified, the company is most certainly Darth Vader: manipulative, secretive, and powerful. He will only help you if there’s something in it for him. He doesn’t actually care about your feelings, only that he maintains power over you (it's just like paying AT&T not to spy on you). Don’t date Darth Vader – you can’t trust him.
CenturyLink - “The Old Geezer”
The sales rep sounded so nice on the phone and made beautiful promises no girl could resist. You would be able to download, upload, and zoom along at speeds beyond your wildest fantasies. He invoked images of you and your Internet - the two of you sitting by a cozy fire while you stream Netflix, upload work files from home, and play online video games. It was an image you treasured, but it was never going to become reality. The out dated DSL infrastructure just couldn’t handle your needs, reasonable as they were. Instead of watching episodes of This is Us while drinking wine, you’re watching the “Spinning Wheel of Death” and wondering how the hell you were fooled into hooking up with the Old Geezer CenturyLink.