Much like the the bone-chilling flicks celebrating eerie entertainment that dwells in the depths of our dark imaginations, monster cable and DSL Internet service providers strike terror in the hearts of subscribers…if they survive. Mesmerizing fees, hair-raising customer service, and shockingly slow connections can drive one to the brink of madness.
In celebration of Halloween 2016, our writers each selected a national ISP and reimagined it as a classic horror character. The results are horrifying! Read them here…if you dare!
This shocking film tells the horrific tale of a mad scientist in his quest to create the world’s largest telecommunications monopoly monster. The scientist’s abomination runs amok, gobbling up company after company, to create a horrifying monster conglomerate. Watch the monster terrorize towns across America as it imposes data caps, denies people access to low-cost programs, and refuses to upgrade infrastructure. What nightmare lies ahead? Will the townsfolk and their elected officials unite to stop the monster, before it acquires Time Warner? Watch and find out!
The Mummy From Last CenturyLink
Archaeologists unearth the Last CenturyLink Mummy from a rural field of copper wires. Townspeople put the Mummy on display in Hard Luck City Hall. Little do they know the Last CenturyLink Mummy was once Pharaoh of DSL (Dreadfully Slow Line) service. Long ago, he was cursed by subscribers and doomed to remain in the slumber of purgatory, much like the DSL Internet access they endured. He awakes when he hears the City Council talk of launching a muni fiber network and summons his zombie lobbyist worshippers. Will the brave people of Hard Luck prevail against Last CenturyLink Mummy and his lobbyists from beyond the grave? Will Hard Luck finally get the Internet connectivity they need to banish last century technology forever?
The ancient Count Comcast rises from his coffin to hunt for blood at the throat of every subscriber. Rather than pointed teeth, this undead creature uses data caps, outrageous fees, and asinine customer service techniques to suck the life from elderly folks, low-income families, and people with disabilities. The Count uses his enormous wealth and dark army of lobbyists to hypnotize state legislators to do his bidding. Will Count Comcast succeed in his evil plan to ensnare every state legislature and destroy municipal networks for all eternity? Will Americans forever be captive to the evil of the cable undead? Only time will tell…
Whether you face the creepy Count, the moldy Mummy, or the fearsome Frankenmerger, we wish you a safe and Happy Halloween. Boo!
Photo of the Jack-o'-lanterns is also in the public domain.